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More Rabbits Humour
oj Subject: THE
LANGUAGE OF GOLF. -oOo-
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed. -oOo-
Man and woman at breakfast table, she having cup of coffee, he reading newspaper. Wife to husband: "Honey, if I die before you will you remarry?" One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the car park. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?" The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining" -oOo- Tom sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra-marital affair. Deep in thought about the subject he absentmindedly starts thinking aloud. "Not worth it", he muttered "never as good as you hoped - Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk." A friend who was sitting close by at the time and overheard Tom's words leaned across and said "Come on Tom, you knew what to expect when you took up golf." - -oOo- A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: "Oh. thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?? " The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?" -oOo- "Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious golfer. "It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass." -oOo- Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my Ball Retriever REGRIPPED !"
-oOo- There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress." So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them." When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend. "Small world". -oOo-
Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a metre from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it five metres beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five." "Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them." -oOo- Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his parish priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to curse about?" -oOo- The man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green. When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot. About six months later the husband was playing golf with a friend and sure enough he hit his ball behind the same barn. His friend said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green. The husband said, I don't think I can do this and I hate this hole. His friend said, it's not that hard and why do you hate this hole? The husband said, after bowing his head, the last time I played this hole I got an 8! -oOo-
The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?", she asked. "Ohhh, Yeah....It feels really great", he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!" -oOo- Once, the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match with a
£100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than
I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" --- An older gentleman often used to go golfing by himself and would team up with anyone who was available. One day he was teamed up with a lovely blond lady. They very much enjoyed their round together and met quite often afterward for a game. Finally the gentleman decided he had fallen in love with the young lady and asked her to marry him. She said "But you don't know anything about me. You know, I am a hooker." He said "That's OK - just straighten out your wrist and move your thumb a little".
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?" --- Hitting the driving range before teeing off is not recommended for the bad golfer. The reason being, why become so frustrated from hitting other fairways before your round even begins? There is nothing worse than addressing your ball on the first tee, with three other foursomes watching, knowing, based on what you've been doing at the range, you will shank your tee shot into the parking area. --- The bad tempered golfer bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro that these were the best clubs he had ever played with. In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones" he told the pro. --- Stretching is a valuable pre-round routine. But as you know, when you're recovering from the drinking binge you and your buddies went on the night before, the only thing that will be stretched is the time it takes you to drag your drunken butt from the cart to your ball each time. Here is the best stretching exercise for the bad golfer. Kneel down and, with a 3-iron in your right hand, extend it a far as possible and drag it back towards you. Repeat this ten times. This exercise will stretch out the upper back muscles so that when you're attempting to retrieve your ball from under the thick bushes you won't pull a muscle. --- A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore." says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SH*T!'" --- Practicing putting is something that is not recommended for Rabbits prior to teeing off. First of all, the two other guys aiming for the same cup you are will get a little ticked off when you knock their balls off target with your feeble attempt. The other is when you see that after putting 20 or so times your putts are consistently coming within 12 inches of the cup. The only problem with that is it is not the cup at which you were aiming! This only serves as a prelude as to how you will destroy your round on the greens all day. It's always better to have the possibility of only triple-bogeying than knowing you will be praying for only a four-putt on each hole. ---
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